I have been in a relationship for going on two years. In those two years we have been through many ups and downs. As the relationship goes on, and times get harder for me, I find my boyfriend being heartless and cruel. When we first started dating I knew he was a diamond in the rough. He did not make much money and came from a pretty broken home, but I felt he had a big heart. I met him while I was bartending at a bar and could tell early on that drinking was his " thing." The first time I knew it was a real problem was New Year's Eve. After waiting all night for him to come pick me up to go out to eat and find something to do, he showed up at 10:30 completely hammered. I got upset and said I was going to go get something to eat, but all he heard was " I am going" and he said "me too" and walked out. I ended up eating fast food by myself and was in bed by 11:30 completely and utterly disappointed. I should have known then that he was obviously not the one for me. Of course he kept coming into the bar to try and win back my forgiveness and swore to cut out the drinking. He did for a little while. He always used to try soooo hard to apologize, and change, and be "good" to win me back. It happened again once or twice, and I was ready to walk. I had been waiting for someone to feel the way he felt about me for 27 years.
This man fell in love with me within three months and seemed to want to do anything and everything for me. I started drinking a lot myself, taking prescription anxiety medication, smoking pot every day, and even did some harder drugs on the weekends when he wasn't around. I was trying to mask the denial I was in. About 8 months in I realized I was pregnant. I could not have been more freaked out. I still to this day do not know if I was freaked out about not being ready because I am in school, because of what my parents would think, because it was with him and I was not sure if that was the life I wanted to have, but I knew for sure with all the bad things I had been putting into my body that the baby would not be healthy and it wouldn't be fair. "We" made the decision to not keep it. When I say we I really mean me. He would have done whatever I wanted. I was not ready. He was going on house arrest for two months 4 weeks after I found out for a DUI he got before we even met. Red flag number 500, right? Throughout the entire process he was supportive, caring, there for me in every way. Every appointment, every tear, every day I couldn't get out of bed. I was a complete wreck. No one in my family knew what went on and I was sick over the whole ordeal. To this day I regret making the decision I did. EVERY DAY. But as time has gone on with us I sometimes feel I made the right decision. It was a HUGE reality check.
Three months later I found out my Grandmother had cancer. They gave her 6 months and she survived and toughed out all 6 months. I was a complete wreck the ENTIRE time. Again, he was supportive of me and there for me for whatever I needed. I had switched jobs to be able to see her more and he came with me to visit her almost every time I was going to see her. Almost every weekend, working, and keeping up with school. It wasn't until she passed that I saw his bad side creep back out. He had lost his Grandfather almost four years prior and I think it triggered a lot of bad memories for him. His Grandfather basically raised him. He started being insanely insensitive when I needed to talk or I would cry. Whenever I wanted to just lay in bed and not really do anything he would tell me I am being a baby and to get over it. The verbal abuse started getting more and more. It was like he was out of emotions and understanding with me. It seemed like his "niceness" only went so far. My Grandmother died on our 1 year anniversary. The holidays were super hard on me and he just seemed so annoyed with me.
Ever since I had met him I had only let my guard down a few times. The more I did, the less he seemed to care. Anytime I would cry or get upset it would annoy him and provoke him to say mean and hurtful things. It was the second birthday I had spent being with him and he made it seem like a chore just going out to dinner with me. The holidays with him were hard because I felt the need to be around my family and Grandfather since we just had a heart wrenching loss. How is life suppose to be the same without her? I still miss her smell and the way the house was always so bright whenever I went to visit. Nothing is the same. I do not feel like I am "allowed" to talk about any of those feelings because I will be told to get over it. He is the first person I met when I moved to this little town. I work so much and am in school full-time that I do not have very many friends.
I feel like he is the only person I can talk to about things. But lately, I feel alone when we are sitting right next to one another. It is now June and in the last 6 months we have fought more than I can even count. A lot of times alcohol plays a big part in him getting so upset. But, like I said, after my grandmother passed he seemed to have all this anger. Every time we would fight he would start to yell and scream at me. Tell me I am a fucking cry baby and to shut the fuck up. He would apologize a day or two later, but now it seems like a weekly thing. We have super great days where he treats me like a princess and tells me he loves everything about me. He is proud of me and how far I have come in school, etc. Some days are just too perfect to be true.
We recently found out his youngest brother and his girlfriend are having a baby. I helped plan and throw her shower. It was super hard on me. When it comes to babies, I still get super emotional. Just the other day we found out his OTHER brother and his girlfriend are having a baby too. They are both younger, have no schooling, and barely make it by as it is. I feel like if they can decide to keep their babies and make it work, I should have. I have all these emotions about all of it and I cannot say a word to my own boyfriend. He says I am annoying, I am a downer, and that I am needy. When we spend time together it is laying on the couch and watching TV, or sleeping. Which there is barely any sex lately either.
I cannot tell if my success in school, having a steady job, and basically having my shit together intimidates him or not. Whenever he does not have a steady job he drinks A LOT and belittles me. I have never felt worse about myself than I have in the last four months. I love him because we have been through so much. When it is good, it is perfect. But when it is bad, I can never wrap my head around why?! The mood swings, the yelling, the tearing me down. I would never in my life make someone feel the way he makes me feel. No matter how mean and loud he gets, I stay calm and just try to talk rationally. I hate blow outs and have never raised my voice to him. Not once. So, I am not sure if I wrote all this for myself to put it all out there to really see for myself the situation I am letting take place in my life, or wanting to see if there is someone out there in a predicament similar to mine and if it will get better. Either way I cannot verbalize how I feel to him and I do not want to burden family and friends about it all.
I do not know what I am going to do at this exact moment, but I do know that I deserve better. And instead of being forgiving or sweeping things under the rug, I am going to take a stand a show him that I am not needy. I do not need him at all. I have lived 27 years of my life without him. I can live another 50 all by myself. I could probably find someone who would appreciate all the love and attention I have to give. I am the most loyal and loving girlfriend. I give and give and give. I think it's time I TAKE back some of my life and live the life I deserve.
No comments:
Post a Comment